Why It’s OK to Compromise in Love

Why It’s OK to Compromise in Love
Mengapa Tidak Apa-Apa untuk Berkompromi dalam Cinta

TRANSKRIP
We reserve some of our deepest scorn for couples who stay together out of compromise;
Those who are making a show of unanimity, but whom we know are, deep down, not fully happy.
Maybe they’re primarily together because of the children;
maybe they’re sticking around because they’re scared of being lonely
or maybe they’re just worried that anyone else they found wouldn’t be much better.
These seem like disgraceful motives to be with anyone
– disgraceful on account of a background belief that circulates powerfully through the collective modern psyche: the idea that anyone who puts their mind and will sufficiently to it doesn’t have to compromise in love;
that there are pain-free, profoundly fulfilling options available for all of us
– and the only things that could stand in the way of discovering them would be laziness and cowardice, flaws of character that deserve no particular sympathy or forgiveness.
Our high romantic expectations have made us notably impatient around, and censorious about, those who can’t attain them.
But imagine if we were to tweak the premise of the argument a little and for a moment probe at the notion that there really might be a pain-free and entirely fulfilling option available for all of us at all times.
What if our choices were, in many contexts, in fact often rather more limited than Romanticism proposes?
Maybe there aren’t as many admirable unattached people in our vicinity as there might be.
Maybe we lack the charm, the personality, the career, the confidence or the looks ever to attract the ones that do exist.
Maybe time is running out.
Or maybe our children really would take it extremely badly if we dynamited the family for the sake of better sex and
greater cheer elsewhere.
At the same time, maybe the current situation – while clearly a compromise – is not without its virtues.
A partner may be only half-right, quite often maddening and properly disappointing in certain areas, but – humblingly – still more satisfying than being alone.
Having children to bring up together may be worth it even with a co-parent about whom one has a long, only semi-private list of reservations.
A few cuddles and occasional moments of cosiness may retain a small but decisive edge over conclusive abandonment interspersed with humiliating dates.
The capacity to compromise is not always the weakness it is described as being.
It can involve a mature, realistic admission that there may – in certain situations – simply be no ideal options.
And, conversely, an inability to compromise does not always have to be the courageous and visionary position it is held to be by our impatient and perfectionist ideology:
it may just be a slightly rigid, proud and cruel delusion.
Mocking people who compromise is – of course – emotionally very handy.
It localises a problem that it’s normal to want to disavow.
It pins to a few scapegoat couples what we are all terrified of:
that a degree of sadness may just be an intrinsic, unavoidable part of our love lives.
Wiser societies would be careful never to stigmatise the act of compromise.
It is painful enough to have to compromise;
it is even more painful to have to hate oneself for having done so.
We should rehabilitate and occasionally honour the ability to put up with a flawed fellow human being,
to nurse our sadness without falling into rage or despair,
to reconcile ourselves to our damaged appearance and character and to accept that there may be no better way for us to live but partly in pain and longing, given who we are and what the world can provide.
Couples who compromise may in reality not be the enemies of love:
they may be at the vanguard of understanding what lasting relationships truly demand.

TERJEMAHAN

We reserve some of our deepest scorn for couples who stay together out of compromise;
Kita menyimpan cemoohan terburuk kita untuk pasangan yang tetap bertahan atas nama kompromi;

Those who are making a show of unanimity, but whom we know are, deep down, not fully happy.
Mereka yang mempertunjukkan konsensus, tapi yang sejujurnya kita tahu tidak sepenuhnya bahagia.

Maybe they’re primarily together because of the children;
Mungkin mereka tetap bersama utamanya karena anak-anak mereka;

maybe they’re sticking around because they’re scared of being lonely
mungkin mereka bertahan karena mereka takut kesepian

or maybe they’re just worried that anyone else they found wouldn’t be much better.
atau mungkin mereka hanya khawatir bahwa orang lain yang mereka temui tidak akan lebih baik.

These seem like disgraceful motives to be with anyone
Ini sepertinya motif-motif yang memalukan untuk bertahan dengan seseorang

– disgraceful on account of a background belief that circulates powerfully through the collective modern psyche:
– memalukan karena keyakinan latar belakang yang secara kuat mempengaruhi kejiwaan modern kolektif:

the idea that anyone who puts their mind and will sufficiently to it doesn’t have to compromise in love;
gagasan bahwa semua orang yang memusatkan pikiran dan niat mereka secukupnya tidak harus berkompromi dalam cinta;

that there are pain-free, profoundly fulfilling options available for all of us
bahwa ada opsi tanpa rasa sakit dan amat sangat membahagiakan yang tersedia untuk kita semua

– and the only things that could stand in the way of discovering them would be laziness and cowardice, flaws of character that deserve no particular sympathy or forgiveness.
– dan satu-satunya hal yang menghalangi kita menemukannya adalah kemalasan dan kepengecutan, cacat kepribadian yang tidak layak mendapatkan simpati dan pengampunan.

Our high romantic expectations have made us notably impatient around, and censorious about, those who can’t attain them.
Harapan romantis kita yang tinggi telah membuat kita secara jelas tidak sabar dan penuh kritik terhadap mereka yang tidak bisa mencapainya.

But imagine if we were to tweak the premise of the argument a little and for a moment probe at the notion that there really might be a pain-free and entirely fulfilling option available for all of us at all times.
Tapi bayangkan jika kita mengutak-atik premis argumen ini sedikit dan untuk sesaat menyelidiki gagasan bahwa mungkin benar-benar ada opsi tanpa rasa sakit dan amat sangat membahagiakan yang tersedia bagi kita semua setiap saat.

What if our choices were, in many contexts, in fact often rather more limited than Romanticism proposes?
Bagaimana jika pilihan-pilihan kita, dalam banyak konteks, sebenarnya seringkali agak lebih terbatas dibandingkan dengan yang diusulkan oleh romantisme.

Maybe there aren’t as many admirable unattached people in our vicinity as there might be.
Mungkin tidak banyak orang single yang mengagumkan di sekitar kita.

Maybe we lack the charm, the personality, the career, the confidence or the looks ever to attract the ones that do exist.
Mungkin kita tidak memiliki pesona, kepribadian, karir, rasa percaya diri atau wajah untuk menarik orang-orang yang ada.

Maybe time is running out.
Mungkin sudah tidak ada waktu.

Or maybe our children really would take it extremely badly if we dynamited the family for the sake of better sex and
greater cheer elsewhere.
Atau mungkin anak-anak kita akan menerimanya dengan sangat buruk jika kita menghancurkan keluarga demi hubungan seksual yang lebih baik dan pujian yang lebih bagus di tempat lain.

At the same time, maybe the current situation – while clearly a compromise – is not without its virtues.
Di saat yang saam, mungkin situasi saat ini – yang jelas-jelas adalah sebuah kompromi – tidaklah tanpa kebaikan.

A partner may be only half-right, quite often maddening and properly disappointing in certain areas, but – humblingly – still more satisfying than being alone.
Seorang pasangan mungkin hanya separuh-benar, seringkali membuat gila dan benar-benar mengecewakan di hal tertentu, tapi secara rendah hati, lebih memuaskan daripada seorang diri.

Having children to bring up together may be worth it even with a co-parent about whom one has a long, only semi-private list of reservations.
Memiliki anak untuk dibesarkan bersama mungkin sepadan bahkan dengan pasangan orang tua di mana kita memiliki daftar keberatan yang panjang.

A few cuddles and occasional moments of cosiness may retain a small but decisive edge over conclusive abandonment interspersed with humiliating dates.
Beberapa pelukan dan saat nyaman yang hanya sesekali mungkin akan memiliki keunggulan kecil tapi penting dibandingkan dengan pengabaian yang pasti diselingi kencan-kencan yang memalukan.

The capacity to compromise is not always the weakness it is described as being.
Kemampuan untuk berkompromi tidak selalu adalah kelemahan seperti yang digambarkan.

It can involve a mature, realistic admission that there may – in certain situations – simply be no ideal options.
Itu bisa melibatkan sebuah pengakuan dewasa dan realistis bahwa mungkin – dalam situasi tertentu – benar-benar tidak opsi yang ideal.

And, conversely, an inability to compromise does not always have to be the courageous and visionary position it is held to be by our impatient and perfectionist ideology:
Dan, sebaliknya, ketidakmampuan untuk berkompromi tidak selalu haruslah posisi berani dan visioner yang dipegang oleh ideologi kita yang tidak sabaran dan perfeksionis:

it may just be a slightly rigid, proud and cruel delusion.
itu mungkin hanya khayalan yang sedikit kaku, angkuh dan kejam.

Mocking people who compromise is – of course – emotionally very handy.
Mencemooh orang yang berkompromi tentu saja secara emosional sangat mudah.

It localises a problem that it’s normal to want to disavow.
Mencemooh itu melokalisasi sebuah masalah yang normal jika ingin disangkal.

It pins to a few scapegoat couples what we are all terrified of:
Hal itu menyematkan pada beberapa pasangan yang menjadi kambing hitam apa yang kita takuti:

that a degree of sadness may just be an intrinsic, unavoidable part of our love lives.
bahwa kesedihan mungkin bisa jadi sebuah bagian hakiki yang tidak bisa dihindari dalam hidup kita.

Wiser societies would be careful never to stigmatise the act of compromise.
Masyarakat yang lebih bijaksana akan berhati-hati untuk tidak mencela tindakan kompromi.

It is painful enough to have to compromise;
Harus berkompromi itu sudah cukup menyakitkan;

it is even more painful to have to hate oneself for having done so.
akan lebih menyakitkan lagi jika harus membenci diri kita sendiri karena melakukannya.

We should rehabilitate and occasionally honour the ability to put up with a flawed fellow human being,
Kita harus merehabilitasi dan sesekali menghormati kemampuan untuk bertahan dengan manusia yang tidak sempurna,

to nurse our sadness without falling into rage or despair,
untuk merawat kesedihan kita tanpa jatuh ke dalam kemarahan atau keputusasaan.

to reconcile ourselves to our damaged appearance and character and to accept that there may be no better way for us to live but partly in pain and longing, given who we are and what the world can provide.
untuk mendamaikan diri kita pada penampilan dan karakter yang cacat dan untuk menerima bahwa mungkin tidak ada cara hidup yang lebih baik kecuali sesekali dalam rasa sakit dan kerinduan, mengingat siapa kita dan apa yang bisa disediakan oleh dunia.

Couples who compromise may in reality not be the enemies of love:
Pasangan yang berkompromi dalam kenyataan mungkin bukanlah musuh dari cinta:

they may be at the vanguard of understanding what lasting relationships truly demand.
mereka mungkin adalah prajurit garda depan dalam memahami apa yang dituntut oleh hubungan yang langgeng.