Who We Can Love

Who We Can Love
Siapa Yang Bisa Kita Cintai

TRANSKRIP
One of the strangest things about relationships is that we’re not free to feel attracted to just anyone.
We tend to have very strong psychological types that we can’t deviate from.
All of us carry inside us very specific inner shopping lists, defining what the people we can love need to be like as characters.
You might think these shopping lists would be focused around lovely requirements.
Like that our potential lovers would need to be kind, understanding, friendly and from our age and social group.
But the shopping lists are in fact often a lot weirder and darker.
We may end up neglecting all sorts of potential candidates,
dismissing them as boring or yucky or somehow just wrong
and heading straight to people whose characteristics are pretty awkward and not conducive to our happiness.
For example, we may only be able to fall in love with people who are much less clever or responsible than we are.
Or who are really unreliable, or who are selfish and self-absorbed, or sarcastic and mean.
It can be very puzzling to those around us and to ourselves.
Why on earth can’t we settle down with people who are good for us?
That’s because what we’re looking for in love isn’t necessarily someone who is nice, pure and simple
but someone who feels familiar.
And a lot of us learned about love in childhood, at the hands of people who were, in a variety of ways, trouble for us
and who continue unconsciously to guide our love types.
Our earliest caregivers give us templates of what it is to love and be loved
which can cause havoc with our chances of happiness.
The trickiness in our love types tend to go in one of three ways.
Let’s imagine dad was cold or violent or abusive, or mom was belittling, unavailable or controlling.
It was horrible, yet that ends up being what we look for in love.
Why would we ever repeat something that was deeply uncomfortable?
Well, because even though it was horrible, it was still a love relationship.
There was abuse but also, let’s imagine, a degree of familiarity, admiration, attachment and even tenderness.
They may have been belittling, but it’s what we got used to.
And now, however illogical it sounds, it doesn’t quite feel right unless it’s kind of awful as well.
It’s not nice as such, but it feels comfortingly, compellingly familiar.
Or, imagine the experience firsthand… what it was like to be made to feel terrible, to be humiliated and hurt.
And then, weirdly, we may end up doing the same thing to someone else.
Humiliating them in turn, bossing them about, going cold on them just when they’re vulnerable to us.
It’s as if a primitive part of us thinks that the only way not to be abused is to be the abuser.
Deep inside the child-like emotional self thinks, the person who did that thing to me was, in a way, the opposite of me,
and that must be the place of safety, and that’s who I want to be in any relationship.
When parents cause us trouble, we’re often so keen to get away from it, we develop blocks around all kind of character traits they may have had
which might actually have been good and actually unrelated to the troublesome traits.
So, for example, our father might have been belittling but highly intelligent.
Now, regrettably, anyone intelligent can be seen hugely putting us off.
Or we always felt our mother was somehow revolted by sexuality, ours especially, but she was really warm and cuddly.
Now, sadly, anyone who is warm and cuddly is imagined to be punitive around sex
and hence feels wrong and has to be rejected.
Our inner love maps are really hard to tease out.
They certainly don’t spell themselves out, so we have to make efforts to find out what they’re dictating
so as to free ourselves from their demands.
The investigation starts, as always, by trying to understand ourselves.
What did I suffer from at the hands of my early caregivers?
Am I finding myself drawn to that in adults I fancy?
Am I causing trouble for people in ways I might have suffered from when I was young?
Am I putting off certain people because they have traits I associate with people who cause me difficulties as a child?
Might I in other people find the traits I like without the ones I fear?
Emotional health means expanding on the number of people we’re free to fall in love with.
We learn about love in childhood,
but we liberate ourselves from the traumas of childhood when we realize we can love in different ways,
and get used to something that may at first be eerily and challengingly unfamiliar.
Being happy with someone who is properly and deeply good for us.

TERJEMAHAN
One of the strangest things about relationships is that we’re not free to feel attracted to just anyone.
Satu hal teraneh tentang hubungan adalah bahwa kita tidak bebas untuk tertarik kepada siapa saja.

We tend to have very strong psychological types that we can’t deviate from.
Kita cenderung memiliki tipe psikologis yang sangat kuat yang kita tidak bisa menyimpang.

All of us carry inside us very specific inner shopping lists, defining what the people we can love need to be like as characters.
Kita semua membawa dalam diri kita daftar belanja yang sangat spesifik, mendefinisikan orang yang bisa kita cintai perlu seperti apa secara karakter.

You might think these shopping lists would be focused around lovely requirements.
Kamu mungkin berpikir daftar belanja ini akan berfokus pada persyaratan-persyaratan yang menyenangkan.

Like that our potential lovers would need to be kind, understanding, friendly and from our age and social group.
Misalnya calon pasangan kita perlu baik hati, memahami, ramah dan dalam usia dan golongan sosial yang sama dengan kita.

But the shopping lists are in fact often a lot weirder and darker.
Tapi daftar belanja ini sebenarnya seringkali sangat aneh dan lebih kelam.

We may end up neglecting all sorts of potential candidates,
Kita bisa jadi mengabaikan segala macam kandidat yang potensial,

dismissing them as boring or yucky or somehow just wrong
menganggap mereka membosankan atau menjijikkan atau entah bagaimana tidak tepat

and heading straight to people whose characteristics are pretty awkward and not conducive to our happiness.
dan langsung menuju ke orang yang karakteristiknya cukup aneh dan tidak kondusif pada kebahagiaan kita.

For example, we may only be able to fall in love with people who are much less clever or responsible than we are.
Misalnya, kita mungkin hanya akan bisa jatuh cinta dengan orang yang jauh kurang pandai atau bertanggung-jawab daripada diri kita.

Or who are really unreliable, or who are selfish and self-absorbed, or sarcastic and mean.
Atau orang yang benar-benar tidak bisa diandalkan atau orang yang egois dan mementingkan diri sendiri atau sarkastik dan kasar.

It can be very puzzling to those around us and to ourselves.
Itu akan sangat membingungkan orang-orang di sekitar kita dan diri kita sendiri.

Why on earth can’t we settle down with people who are good for us?
Mengapa gerangan kita tidak bisa puas dengan orang yang baik untuk kita?

That’s because what we’re looking for in love isn’t necessarily someone who is nice, pure and simple
but someone who feels familiar.
Itu karena apa yang kita cari dalam cinta bukanlah seseotang yang baik, polos dan sederhana, tapi seseorang yang terasa familiar.

And a lot of us learned about love in childhood, at the hands of people who were, in a variety of ways, trouble for us and who continue unconsciously to guide our love types.
Dan banyak dari kita mempelajari tentang cinta di masa kecil, di tangan orang-orang yang, dalam banyak hal, adalah masalah bagi kita dan yang secara tidak sadar terus membentuk tipe cinta kita.

Our earliest caregivers give us templates of what it is to love and be loved which can cause havoc with our chances of happiness.
Pengasuh kita yang paling awal memberi kita contoh apa artinya mencintai dan dicintai yang bisa merusak kesempatan kita untuk bahagia.

The trickiness in our love types tend to go in one of three ways.
Rumitnya tipe cinta kita cenderung mengarah ke satu dari tiga cara.

Let’s imagine dad was cold or violent or abusive, or mom was belittling, unavailable or controlling.
Bayangkan ayah adalah orang yang dingin atau kasar atau kejam atau ibu adalah orang yang suka meremehkan, tidak pernah hadir atau sangat mengatur.

It was horrible, yet that ends up being what we look for in love.
Itu hal yang mengerikan, tapi akhirnya menjadi sesuatu yang kita cari dalam cinta.

Why would we ever repeat something that was deeply uncomfortable?
Mengapa kita mengulangi sesuatu yang begitu tidak nyaman?

Well, because even though it was horrible, it was still a love relationship.
Karena meskipun mengerikan, itu tetaplah sebuah hubungan percintaan.

There was abuse but also, let’s imagine, a degree of familiarity, admiration, attachment and even tenderness.
Ada perlakuan kejam tapi bayangkan juga, sebuah kebiasaan, kekaguman, keterikatan dan bahkan kelembutan.

They may have been belittling, but it’s what we got used to.
Mereka mungkin meremehkan kita, tapi itulah sesuatu yang sudah biasa bagi kita.

And now, however illogical it sounds, it doesn’t quite feel right unless it’s kind of awful as well.
Dan sekarang, entah bagaimana tidak logis kedengarannya, itu tidak terasa tepat kecuali mengerikan juga.

It’s not nice as such, but it feels comfortingly, compellingly familiar.
Itu tidak baik, tapi rasanya secara nyaman dan meyakinkan familiar.

Or, imagine the experience firsthand… what it was like to be made to feel terrible, to be humiliated and hurt.
Atau, bayangkan pengalamannya secara langsung … bagaimana rasanya dibuat merasa ngeri atau dipermalukan dan disakiti.

And then, weirdly, we may end up doing the same thing to someone else.
Lalu, anehnya, kita akhirnya melakukan hal yang sama kepada orang lain.

Humiliating them in turn, bossing them about, going cold on them just when they’re vulnerable to us.
Mempermalukan mereka, menyuruh-nyuruh mereka, bersikap dingin justru ketika mereka sedang dalam keadaan rapuh.

It’s as if a primitive part of us thinks that the only way not to be abused is to be the abuser.
Itu seakan-akan sebuah bagian primitif dari diri kita berpikir bahwa satu-satunya cara untuk tidak diperlakukan kasar adalah dengan menjadi pelaku.

Deep inside the child-like emotional self thinks, the person who did that thing to me was, in a way, the opposite of me,
Jauh di dalam emosi diri yang kekanak-kanakan berpikir, orang yang melakukan itu padaku adalah, sedikit banyak, orang berlawanan denganku,

and that must be the place of safety, and that’s who I want to be in any relationship.
dan itu pasti tempat yang aman, dan orang itulah yang aku ingin menjadi dalam setiap hubungan.

When parents cause us trouble, we’re often so keen to get away from it,
Ketika orang tua kita memberi kita masalah, seringkali kita ingin berlari dari itu,

we develop blocks around all kind of character traits they may have had which might actually have been good and actually unrelated to the troublesome traits.
kita membangun tembok mengelilingi semua karakter yang mereka punya yang mungkin sebenarnya baik dan tidak berhubungan dengan sifat yang bermasalah.

So, for example, our father might have been belittling but highly intelligent.
Sebagai contoh, ayah kita mungkin meremehkan kira tapi sangat cerdas.

Now, regrettably, anyone intelligent can be seen hugely putting us off.
Sekarang, sayangnya, semua orang yang pintar bisa terlihat tidak menyenangkan bagi kita.

Or we always felt our mother was somehow revolted by sexuality, ours especially, but she was really warm and cuddly.
Atau kita selalu merasa ibu kita merasa jijik oleh seksualitas, seksualitas kita terutama, tapi dia begitu hangat dan menyenangkan untuk dipeluk.

Now, sadly, anyone who is warm and cuddly is imagined to be punitive around sex and hence feels wrong and has to be rejected.
Sekarang, sedihnya setiap orang yang hangat dan menyenangkan untuk dipeluk dibayangkan konservatif dalam hal seksualitas dan oleh karenanya terasa salah dan harus ditolak.

Our inner love maps are really hard to tease out.
Peta internal cinta kita begitu sulit untuk dipancing keluar.

They certainly don’t spell themselves out, so we have to make efforts to find out what they’re dictating so as to free ourselves from their demands.
Mereka tentunya tidak mengatakannya pada kita, jadi kita harus berusaha untuk menemukan apa yang mereka diktekan untuk membebaskan diri kita dari permintaan-permintaan mereka.

The investigation starts, as always, by trying to understand ourselves.
Penyelidikannya bermula, seperti biasanya, dengan mencoba memahami diri kita sendiri.

What did I suffer from at the hands of my early caregivers?
Apa yang saya derita dari pengasuh awal saya?

Am I finding myself drawn to that in adults I fancy?
Apakah saya tertarik pada hal itu di orang yang saya sukai?

Am I causing trouble for people in ways I might have suffered from when I was young?
Apakah saya menyebabkan masalah bagi orang dengan cara seperti saya menderita ketika saya muda?

Am I putting off certain people because they have traits I associate with people who cause me difficulties as a child?
Apakah saya membuat orang lain tidak menyenangi saya karena mereka memiliki sifat yang saya asosiasikan dengan orang yang memberikan saya masalah ketika saya masih kecil?

Might I in other people find the traits I like without the ones I fear?
Mungkin saya bisa menemukan dari orang lain sifat yang saya suka tanpa sifat yang saya tidak suka?

Emotional health means expanding on the number of people we’re free to fall in love with.
Kesehatan emosional berarti meluaskan jumlah orang yang kita bisa cintai.

We learn about love in childhood,
Kita belajar tentang cinta di masa kecil,

but we liberate ourselves from the traumas of childhood when we realize we can love in different ways,
tapi kita memerdekakan diri kita dari trauma masa kecil ketika kita menyadari kita bisa mencintai dengan cara yang berbeda,

and get used to something that may at first be eerily and challengingly unfamiliar.
dan terbiasa pada sesuatu yang pada awalnya mungkin secara menakutkan dan menantang begitu tidak familiar.

Being happy with someone who is properly and deeply good for us.
Bahagia bersama dengan orang yang dengan secara pantas dan benar-benar baik untuk kita.