Loving and Being Loved
Mencintai dan Dicintai
TRANSKRIP
Confusingly, we speak of love as one thing,
rather than discerning the 2 very different varieties that lie beneath the single word.
Being loved, and loving.
We can only make a relationship work when we’re ready to do the latter
and are aware of our unnatural, immature fixation on the former.
We start knowing only about being loved.
It comes to seem, very wrongly, like the norm.
To the child it feels as if the parent is simply spontaneously on hand:
to comfort, guide, tame, feed, clear up, and will remain almost always warm and cheerful.
Parents don’t reveal how often they’ve bitten their tongue, fought back the tears,
and been too tired to take off their clothes after a day of child care.
The relationship is almost always entirely non-reciprocal,
the parent loves but they don’t expect the favor to be returned in any significant way:
the parent doesn’t get upset when the child doesn’t notice the new haircut,
asks carefully calibrated questions about how the meeting at work went,
or suggests that they go upstairs and take a nap.
Parent and child may both love, but each party is on a very different end of the axis, unbeknownst to the child.
This is why adulthood, when we first say we “long for love”,
what we predominantly mean is that we want to be loved as we are once loved by a parent.
We want a recreation in adulthood of what it felt like to be administered to and indulged.
In a secret part of our minds, we picture someone who will understand our needs, bring us what we want,
to be immensely patient and sympathetic to us, act selflessly, and make it all better.
This is, naturally, a disaster; for any relationship to work
we need to move firmly out of the child and into the parental position.
We need to become someone who can sometimes
subordinate their own demands to the needs of another.
To be adults in love, we have to learn, perhaps for the very first time,
to do something truly remarkable, for a time at least, to put someone else ahead of us.
That’s what true, mature love actually is, much to everyone’s initial surprise.
TRANSKRIP
Confusingly, we speak of love as one thing,
Secara membingungkan, kita berbicara tentang cinta sebagai satu hal,
rather than discerning the 2 very different varieties that lie beneath the single word.
ketimbang melihat 2 variasi yang sangat berbeda yang dimiliki satu kata tersebut.
Being loved, and loving.
Dicintai dan mencintai.
We can only make a relationship work when we’re ready to do the latter
Kita hanya bisa membuat sebuah hubungan berhasil jika kita siap untuk melakukan hal yang kedua (mencintai)
and are aware of our unnatural, immature fixation on the former.
dan menyadari kecanduan tidak alamiah dan tidak dewasa kita pada hal yang pertama (dicintai).
We start knowing only about being loved.
Kita mulai memahami hanya tentang dicintai.
It comes to seem, very wrongly, like the norm
Hal itu muncul, dengan sangat salah, seperti sebuah kebiasaan
To the child it feels as if the parent is simply spontaneously on hand:
Bagi seorang anak, rasanya seakan-akan orang tua itu secara ajaib selalu ada:
to comfort, guide, tame, feed, clear up, and will remain almost always warm and cheerful.
untuk menenangkan, memandu, menjinakkan, memberi makan, membersihkan dan akan hampir selalu hangat dan ceria.
Parents don’t reveal how often they’ve bitten their tongue, fought back the tears,
Orang tua tidak menunjukkan bagaimana sering mereka menahan untuk tidak berbicara, menahan air mata,
and been too tired to take off their clothes after a day of child care.
dan terlalu lelah untuk berganti pakaian setelah mengurusi anak seharian.
The relationship is almost always entirely non-reciprocal,
Hubungannya hampir selalu seluruhnya tidak berbalas,
the parent loves but they don’t expect the favor to be returned in any significant way:
orang tua menyayangi tapi mereka tidak mengharapkan jasanya dibalas dengan cara yang signifikan:
the parent doesn’t get upset when the child doesn’t notice the new haircut,
orang tua tidak marah ketika sang anak tidak memperhatikan potongan rambut yang baru,
asks carefully calibrated questions about how the meeting at work went,
bertanya dengan penuh perhitungan bagaimana pertemuan di kantor,
or suggests that they go upstairs and take a nap.
atau menyarankan mereka naik ke atas dan beristirahat.
Parent and child may both love, but each party is on a very different end of the axis, unbeknownst to the child.
Orang tua dan anak mungkin saling mencintai, tapi masing-masing pihak berada di ujung poros yang berbeda, tanpa diketahui sang anak.
This is why adulthood, when we first say we “long for love”,
Itulah mengapa, ketika kita pertama kali kita mengatakan kita “merindukan cinta”
what we predominantly mean is that we want to be loved as we are once loved by a parent.
yang sebenarnya kita maksudkan adalah bahwa kita ingin dicintai seperti kita dulu dicintai oleh orang tua.
We want a recreation in adulthood of what it felt like to be administered to and indulged.
Kita menginginkan sebuah penciptaan kembali dalam masa dewasa bagaimana rasanya dirawat dan dimanjakan.
In a secret part of our minds, we picture someone who will understand our needs, bring us what we want,
Di bagian rahasia pikiran kita, kita membayangkan seseorang yang akan memahami kebutuhan kita, memberikan apa yang kita inginkan,
to be immensely patient and sympathetic to us, act selflessly, and make it all better.
sangat-sangat sabar dan bersimpati kepada kita, tidak egois dan menjadikan semua hal lebih baik.
This is, naturally, a disaster; for any relationship to work
Ini, tentu saja, adalah bencana untuk setiap hubungan supaya berhasil
we need to move firmly out of the child and into the parental position.
kita perlu berpindah secara tegas dari posisi anak ke posisi orang tua.
We need to become someone who can sometimes subordinate their own demands to the needs of another.
Kita perlu menjadi seseorang yang kadang-kadang bisa mengalahkan keinginan mereka demi kebutuhan orang lain.
To be adults in love, we have to learn, perhaps for the very first time,
Menjadi orang dewasa dalam sebuah hubungan percintaan, kita harus belajar, mungkin untuk pertama kalinya
to do something truly remarkable, for a time at least, to put someone else ahead of us.
untuk melakukan sesuatu yang benar-benar luar biasa, paling tidak untuk sejenak, untuk mendahulukan orang lain.
That’s what true, mature love actually is, much to everyone’s initial surprise.
Mungkin di luar dugaan banyak orang, itulah cinta sejati dan dewasa yang sebenarnya.